Dear Abby: My grandson lives in squalor despite our efforts (2025)

Dear Abby: Our son and his girlfriend had our first grandchild 18 months ago. We helped them move out of their rental house before the baby was born and buy a cute little house, which we made sure was in good shape before they moved in. (They had ruined the rental property with a couple of cats they had and their refusal to clean it at all.) We told them they had to keep the new house clean for themselves as well as our new grandson.

The new house is now disgustingly filthy and filled with trash and the smell of cat urine. We watch our grandson several times a week, even keeping him overnight. We don’t ask them for anything, and they don’t offer. We feel he’s better off staying with us rather than in their nasty house.

We have gone over several times to help clean their place and purchased many items to help them keep the place cleaner, to no avail. We are at our wits’ end. We don’t want to involve children’s protective services, but we don’t know what we can do to get them to understand the gravity of this situation. What do you suggest?

—Careful Grandpa in Ohio

Dear grandpa: By now it should be clear to you that your son and his girlfriend have no intention of keeping their house clean, even for the baby’s sake. As I see it, you have three choices: Turn a blind eye to what is happening and do nothing, hire a cleaning crew once or twice a month to do what they are unwilling to do, or contact child protective services because the home is a danger to your grandchild. Please let me know what you decide.

Dear Abby: I am the only daughter in a family with four brothers. My family treats me like I don’t exist. My father constantly hurts my feelings intentionally. When I express how he (and the others) make me feel, I am ignored. It hurts deeply knowing my father doesn’t even like me. It feels like knives in my heart and my back.

I have been dealing with this for 44 years. I am sad all the time. I don’t trust anyone because of the lies and hate I get from my family. I have done nothing to deserve this treatment. All I do is exist. My husband and I are both ill, but we receive no compassion. I can’t afford a psychologist. If I could, I would go to one. My heart aches for someone in my family to care about me. How can I make this pain go away?

—Faulted for Being Here

Dear faulted: I am sorry for your pain. You may be able to get the help you need by contacting your county health department and asking about low-cost counseling services, or by reaching out to the nearest college or university that has a department of psychology and asking if any of their graduate students could see you (under supervision). I cannot fix your family—no one can. But that doesn’t mean you can’t strengthen yourself, which is what you may need to do in order to stop hurting and find your indignation.

Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at www.DearAbby.com or P.O.Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.

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